First steps taken

Joy! I ran my first gentle run yesterday evening. About 6 km and I held back on pace, keeping myself around 7 min/km for most of the track session. I had the most wonderful (soulful) experience running with Bronwynne and we chatted and just had a great session. It was wonderful to work up some sweat. I am back. Slow, very gently, but I am back at running.

Running with Bron reminded me again just how amazing the bonds are we create with our fellow runners. We share something special, because running makes you vulnerable. It's like when you run, your heart and soul is more visible or closer to the surface. I love running. I did not care that I was slow yesterday. I did not mind not running and pushing. I am so grateful to just be. So maybe sometimes an injury is there to remind me to be grateful to just be able to be out there. To remind me to be humble in my running and to put my life and my struggles in perspective.

Lesson noted and taken to heart. I am running with (and for) my heart and my soul.

Sometimes the monster is not under the bed, but in my head

I am feeling lost today.
Not due to something specific - normally winter months are tougher for me, but this feels different. I don't quite know what I feel like doing. None of my usual hobbies seem to draw me out today. It's weekend and I have not been able to exercise for 27 days. My calf muscle is slowly improving, but still very tight and after my test run 10 days ago, I have lost my oomph. It's fear. I am scared of going back because I may have to face the fact that it's not ready yet. I don't feel like facing that possibility nor do I feel like starting from scratch again. Losing the fitness we had after Comrades is not how I pictured this winter. I wanted so desperately to just keep running and be ready for the marathon in November. My dream had been to run the best ever Tough One this year because I would have been super fit. None of that happened. I am deeply disappointed of course, but there is this general feeling of malaise that just does not seem to leave me this week. It may just be the lack of exercise and the stress at work combining into a perfect emotional storm. I am dealing day-in-and-day-out with a lot of tough business issues, but also regularly with general people problems. Some days I really wish I had more psychological training and not just my "gut" to rely on. I have an issue at work that is panning out to be a big deal and I am not clear yet how to deal with this. My gut generally says, tackle it head on, but I don't think this will work in this case. I also don't think it's something one just leaves. I am deeply concerned and I am sure that does not help my cause.
I feel stuck inside my head.
My best friend taught me this trick that is supposed to uplift your mood. When you sit in the sun, close your eyes and cover with your hands. It should be really dark. Wait a few minutes until it is really BLACK. Then remove your hands (whilst keeping your eyes closed) lift your eyes towards the sun. The most amazing colours appear, it's like magic actually. Even patterns if you are lucky. Now wait until all the colour is gone and it turns white - cover your eyes again and wait for it to go completely black again. Repeat a few times. This is an extremely relaxing experience, but the trick is that one needs sun...Something that seems to be missing today.
I feel it swallowing me, this big, grey monster in my head. Without knowing exactly why, I feel a sense of loss without losing anything. It feels like the puzzle is too big today, and I cannot see the bigger picture. All I see is the pieces in front of me, no picture.

I always "Need to Have a Cause" or a project or a goal. This has been a very big deal in my life for as long as I can remember. This is by the way a very typical characteristic of INFJs - my own Myers-Briggs personality type. I get so caught up in the passion of my pursuit/s that any cumbersome issue, like waiting for the right time or waiting to heal, really trips me up. INFJs like to know that they are taking concrete steps towards their goals, and if life/timing/people get in my way, or worse yet, there is no goal at all, we feel restless and disappointed. I cannot "live" my goals at the moment or achieve progress at a pace that satisfies my sensibilities. I understand this of course, but I am unable to maintain this state of understanding for a long time.
I am also always at risk for "Burn Out" syndrome. I tend to tackle things with great passion and emotional investment. This passion together with my lack of patience and idealistic perspective can easily result in a build up inside me and without an outlet (letting of steam somehow) I get exhausted and despondent. Running gives me a way to balance my ideals with the realities of day-to-day living. Running is my way of letting of steam, my therapy, my cleanser and my goal; all wrapped up into one. Not running is more than just a time-out. I find myself slowly dissolving into a blob (physically and mentally). I feel like a couch potato with little or no drive. I tell myself that it is just temporary, but my heart is not hearing me. The message is getting softer, like a distant echo. Soon, soon, soon....and I have to somehow re-focus. But maybe not today.
This is not permanent, I know it, but heck it is hard to battle logic versus feeling somedays. Today is just a bad day, and I know it. Tomorrow will be better (or different) and eventually I will get inspired again. Right now, I just wanted to say it, admit it, deal with it in real WORDS. I am lost in my head.

Miss you Molly.

The Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths 

Of night and light and the half-light;

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W. B. Yeats

I miss you my Molly.

Note to self

For this year's Youth Day I decided to just breathe. It's something I don't do often enough. It's always such a mad rush and sometimes self-inflicted. The day started with a beautiful run with the Boskruin Group. We just kind of slotted in and had one of those really enjoyable runs. Saw the sun come up. Chilly morning, but not icy. Just lovely. Reminded me what I like about running. Body is just ticking over and one is out with good people, no stress, just enjoying life. Two weeks ago we ran Comrades and now we have to move on, find new goals, enjoy our running. If feels less like work again, more like a passion. Last year we came back so broken, I just gave up until September. So far this year's wind-down after Comrades has been really nice. A week of total rest, then we had 3 gentle runs during week 2, and today we did 15km, basically the start of week 3. The legs feel okay and the best thing is the joy, the joy is back! I am so blessed.

Just breathe...

So I am sitting in front of the heater with the two puppies (I know, people look at us funny when we call them monsters puppies, but if you raised a puppy (even a big dog), they stay babies in your mind). The puppies are perfecting their afternoon nap techniques, whilst I am playing my entire iTunes music collection via my Bluetooth connection from my iPhone (don't you just love technology). I love listening to good music, drinking Nespresso and relaxing, doing things on my computer I never get time to do normally. No where to go. Nobody in my office. An entire day to my own devices. And the public holiday sort of crept up on me this year so I made no plans apart from this morning's run. Nothing to do but breathe.

Note to self: I should do this more often.