Note to self

Maybe I should have this quote tattooed on my hand or something. How often do I have to keep reminding myself that failure is just part of the road and not permanent. I am desperately struggling with my failure at the moment. Failing to maintain my calorie intake when stressed, cold and hibernating has become a real challenge this winter. My return to an exercise regime is slow and quite taxing (mentally) and I hope will get me back on track on the eating side. I am so grateful to be back at the running thing and the slow pace is not really worrying me as much as I expected. I am struggling with the "tiredness" and how hard I have to work to just keep myself in the game. The mental part of the come back. The restraint that is required to not go out and hit it hard too soon. And the fear. I am on edge when training. Every twinge, every niggle, every ache, scares the wack out of me. And why am I struggling with controlling myself from eating too much. Everyday there is something nice that we want to eat. Every day I feel like I failed again and I have to start fresh the next day, just to fail again, because of a new food experience, an evening out, wine, a slice of cheesecake etc. None of it with sugar or carbs, but just not being able to listen to my body and opt not to eat when I am not hungry. We've not skipped meals recently, we've fallen into a habit of eating dinners because it is nice to be social and I enjoy the cooking. Together time over good food is our thing, but I need to get my mind set on a plan of action. I am stuck in failure-mode. My failure mode translates into me no longer tracking my food intake and not systematically working towards a weight goal. I need a serious reset. Suck it up and get there. Just do it. I say it, I know it, I just have to do it...help! I am bruised.

A (running) junkie in recovery

Me again. Still in recovery. It's ironic because the longer I am out, the more I feel that I am IN recovery, and not just recovering. "Hi, my name is Bella and I am a running junkie. It's been 22 days since I ran without pain." I've gone through some stages of grief, some of which requires me to do some restitution, but let's leave that for another day. I've also been forced to do some serious introspection. Looking into the mirror and polishing some of those dull spots. It's now officially three (long) weeks since the injury, and the jury is still out about my comeback. Being a very typical INFJ-personality I've been obsessing about obsessing. Since I've opted to start tracking my weight and my macro nutrients again, I've become a little obsessed with reviewing various Apps on my iPhone.

The first week I tested FatSecret, this week I am testing MyFitnessPal and some others were tried but discarded fairly quickly in between all of this. This has had other consequences, on which I will reflect later. So far, MyFitnessPal is the winner for me, although I find the control over the macro nutrients sub-par, the ease of data entry is superior.

What happens in my kitchen on a Saturday morning...
And this is what was left after the dishwasher was packed ;-)

KetodietApp is very cool in terms of other content (recipes, information etc). The reporting and how it tracks your food intake is cool (and in line with my way of eating), but I found entry of data too painful to sustain it. FatSecret was "ok" but lacked the finesse of MyFitnessPal when it came to entries. Overall, if you use FatSecret you could be happy, but I personally prefer MyFitnessPal. The FatSecret Web interface is slightly friendlier to use than the MyFitnessPal however, so it may be device sensitive. I tested the two phone Apps on my iPhone 5S. The KetodietApp is basically a blog incorporated into an App and works best on the iPad. It really is an excellent reference source for newbies on the LCHF diet. Although I purchased the App, I didn't add many extra recipes as I prefer using my own and making my own. I also find it easier to use Pinterest to "save" new recipes on my boards for viewing later. Once tested, I often review it or print it out for my "kitchen folder".
In my pursuit of happiness (during my time of recovery), I really have gone slightly berserk in the kitchen (especially on weekends). Recently I've been experimenting with variants of white chocolate fat bombs in an effort to create the best, ever ketogenic friendly white chocolate. The holy grail in my opinion. Milk chocolate that is not horribly sweet but still milky and creamy. It is easy to make dark chocolate that tastes great. The two nuts I still have to crack: (1) the "milkier" versions of the fat bombs and (2) a peppermint flavoured chocolate.

Best ever LC scones with cream and home made berry jam!
Yummy this was good.

So as per the evidence provided in my photograph of my kitchen sink (post-apocalyptic cooking event) this weekend was epic. Whilst pursuing this chocolate "dream", I baked some faux scones (LC-friendly and served with no-added-sugar-fruit-only jam and whipped cream), I made a mega-batch of toasted LC-granola (nuts and seeds), experimented with some chocolate, made some soup and roasted lamb.
All things good come to those who wait?
I am calm.
I am recovering.
Whilst eating scones and drinking tea. If I can't run...let me BAKE.

The runner plots but the body is not playing

I attempted my first run Wednesday evening - 2 weeks and 3 days after the injury. I jogged 8 km very slowly, intermittently walking and stretching and tried very hard to ignore the ache in my calf. It came back after about 1 km, at first it felt just like a cramp forming but it deteriorated into an actual ache and tightness by the time I got to 3 km into the route. At the end of the run I was back to hobbling. I iced at home and tried to stretch, but something is not right. Although I ran very slowly, the heart is willing, the calf is not. I've been very patient (sort of) and hadn't experienced any pain the last 3 days, which led to my decision to try and get a sense of my status.

And I know. I know. I know this stuff.
It's the best time to be injured.
I have no immediate race goals.
I am being a baby.
This is just something to work through.
I have to deal with.
I too shall pass.

But the uncertainty is eating at me. I want to close my eyes tightly, twirl 3 times clockwise, click my heels and all should be well again. I want to be OK; this is so much harder than I expected. My head-space is all wrong. I miss running so much.

How does one fix it?

I feel both dead and alive and I am too scared to open the box and find out which one. My mind tells me to remember all the good stuff, to be grateful for my blessings, but my heart is aching for the freedom of a pain free run. It is like being in a box - a dark and lonely place and you have to face your darkest self. I am trying not to despair. So far, I've been resting for 16 days. The first test run clearly showed that I am still in the big, black box of injury. On the bench. Not ready. No running for Bella (yet).

Planning for my comeback

There is more to running than increasing speed... 

I have been plotting my running comeback since the first day of my injury. At first I hoped it would be 1 week out with a slow comeback. I soon realized this was delusional and am now in week 2 with some progress, but clearly not recovered. 

My feet are itching to run again, but I've vowed to be more careful going forward. Speed killed and I know it will not help if I tell people this, but I am writing this blog for myself. To remind me of the dangers of pushing too hard. I recall a vivid memory during my first Ottosdal night race. We were running the 21 km event and there was a group of runners, clearly a bunch of novices led by a bus driver, running with us. The leader made them adhere to a strict walk-run strategy and every time they walked he (very loudly) reminded them that "Speed, not distance, kills". I think they were doing their first marathon. Patiently he just kept this routine up and kept them from "rushing out". This mantra has stuck with me over the past few years and I often repeat the story to novices. Somehow though, especially after Comrades, I felt invincible. I started pushing hard at track and honestly believe it all led to my injury on that fated morning during the Northgate 10 km race. It's been a hard fall. Arrogance is a serious enemy of a runner. We easily forget that we are only human. Generally, I am quite a conservative runner. I start slow. I warm-up slowly and I don't push myself into pain early in a race. However, I got swept up in the frenzy of PBs that was going on around me, inspired by my own 10 km and Comrades runs, I thought I was safe and I felt I had time to play with speed. After Comrades we felt great and went back to running within 2 weeks of the big race. In the third week we were pushing hard during track running sprints and running faster than we probably should have. Because I felt I could, I wanted to fit in, be part of the runners, peer pressure, all that jazz. The Wednesday before the Northgate race, I ran fast short distances and started feeling an ache in my hamstring. I slowed down a bit but not much. It was a familiar ache so I did not worry too much. I stretched and told myself to stretch more. It's been an uphill battle since the real injury hit me during that race. I know how to run with pain. I did many hours of it during the Comrades, but this was "damaged" pain. It's very different to an existing ache that just stays there whilst you plod on. Both my calf and my hamstring muscle now is extremely sensitive. Not sure if it is as a result of the rest or the injury or the rubbing, but it feels like I have two very deep bruises on the two muscles. Very specific, pin point aches or bruising. I am not sure if I am improving or not and have not attempted to run yet, I am actually petrified to find out whether I can or can't. I can now climb down stairs without too much discomfort, and the ache in my Achilles area is definitely more of a dull stiffness rather than an ache. The uncertainty eats at me. I feel like I am not doing the right things, yet I don't know what else to do.

My haphazard treatment strategy thus far are an eclectic mix of paranoia, advice from friends and the internet and just doing stuff because I have to do something:

1. Eccentric stretching of the calf muscle on a step

2. Ice

3. Rest

4. Rubbing

5. Rest

6. Some desperate anti-inflammatory taking after week one

7. More rest

8. Worrying

9. Googling

10. Watching Tour de France and Wimbeldon 

11. Foam rolling

12. More worrying

13. Kinesio taping

14. Blogging about it

15. Rubbing in all types gels related to muscle soreness

16. More stretching

Next step is to see if I can do a gentle, slow jog on the weekend. Hoping the ache in the calf and hamstring muscle is just a bruise from the rubbing. I really don't know. If it is not better by next week I will have to go see a professional to get an opinion. In the meantime, I am open to suggestions to my list of treatment strategies.

For my comeback, I plan to respect speed a bit more and stop comparing myself to the younger, faster speedsters at track. I love the track group, but I have to be careful not to get into the habit of pushing "all the time" or getting swept up in the mad rush to run faster all the time. This is by the way, advice I give people all the time. And generally I adhere to it as well. This is a wake-up call, I wish I had not made the series of mistakes that led to this, but it is what it is. I am not a spring chicken anymore, my body needs more time to recover. I need to be more gentle with it. I will. I WILL be kinder to my muscles. I don't care if I run slow, I just want to RUN. Please...

Nearly 45

Molly (RIP

It's nearly that time of year again. I hardly noticed last year's birthday. Molly had just passed away and I never am fully functional in winter anyway. I believe it is related to the lack of sun. I hardly ever see the sun in winter. We get to work so early (before the sun is really up) and unless the sun is still shining when we train, after work, we get home after dark and an entire day goes by without the sun. Lately, I've been feeling very uninspired. It all started with the injury and not being able to run. I have been taking action to mitigate this miserableness I am feeling. Actively taking control of my diet, measuring my progress, doing my budget, planning things etc. This birthday is just strange this year. It feels like I am still 39 and I don't want to be 45. I feel unhappy about it. Something I never really felt when I turned 40. Between 39 and 45, I've been very busy with "doing" things. Living life. Since my 40th birthday, life has changed. I am a late bloomer and both professionally and personally things have really only started to take off for me since my late 30s. I am not a dweller. Normally my view is "move forward" as soon as possible. If I cannot change it, deal with it. If something didn't work, I try to move on and find a better way. Life is just that actually. Move on (Keep Calm and...) and try to improve on what you did previously. For me "45" feels a bit like a way-point. It's on my journey but it is not my destination. I need to go past this to get to my destination, but it is not the destination and I don't actually know what the destination is. Wouldn't it be great if Garmin sold Life-GPS maps. You could upgrade your GPS to help you navigate your life. I hope my Life-GPS will take me to new and exciting places in the year to come. I just want to feel happy and grateful for another year of blessings. I have been very lucky this year. So many things have been wonderful and I've grown so much. I know this feeling is temporary and soon, very soon I hope, I will feel inspired again. I hope it is tomorrow. 

Then I watched the New Balance video. I cried, and laughed and ached and just generally remembered how great my life actually is. I am 45 young on Monday. So what! It's just a number. My job is to find the dreams, then do it.

#IComrades Video

So I am not the weight-loss poster child of LCHF

I wish I was the poster child for LCHF weight-loss, but I am not.

I've kept on struggling with my weight not losing big chunks, but slowly whittled away about 5kg and then for most of the past 18 months have either plateaued or lost a bit of weight. For about a month earlier this year I reached my goal. Overall I've lost enough weight and maintained the weight-loss to feel good about myself, but not enough to be the success story of the year in that department. I do however feel great and healthy for the first time in 20 years. I feel energized, awake, no blood sugar issues, healthy and I have a general sense of physical well-being that perhaps I never even realized was missing until I got it "back". None of those nasty tummy cramps after eating, no more postprandial narcolepsy and most importantly: not a singly hypoglycemic event in 18 months, basically since the day I ditched carbs and sugar. It also revolutionized my running. I hated GU et al in my carbo-loading days. Now I run a marathon on a good breakfast (egg and avocado) and water. Eating heaps of food before a race is not a requirement, I can just decide to run and I go. I carry almost nothing with me when I run, it's so comfortable. So weight-loss wise it's been okay - I did not pick up weight and occasionally lost some, most of time I was rock steady and stable. I did not look as great as some of my Banting friends - the same people whom I convinced into eating this way...but I shouldered it bravely and admitted to myself that even though I don't cheat with carbs, we don't always stick with the principle of "eat only when hungry", mostly because I LOVE eating and cooking and baking. I am also a stress eater and I have I mentioned, I LOVE food. My LCHF foodie addiction also contributes for sure, I so enjoy baking. The challenge and adventure to create something special really gives me a kick and having a challenge like LC cooking is just too much fun to skip. Then there is the dairy thing; I am definitely sensitive to dairy, so when I eat cheese and have milk in my coffee, my weight-loss stalls. Thus the odds are a bit stacked, and I know I am not the only one. I've read and re-read all the "Top reasons why you are not losing weight on Banting/LCHF" articles and really understand the issues. These challenges do not change my opinion on this way of eating - this is not a diet, it's a lifestyle. A lifestyle I've selected based on my own investigation into the available research. I am convinced and remain convinced.The health benefits are too overwhelming and everything I've read about the benefits of LC eating when suffering from autoimmune afflictions convinced me long before I realized that this is a way to control my weight as well.

And so why am I not a happy camper? Why am I miserable and thinking enviously about my thin Banting friends? I've recently hit a bit of a bump in the road. I got injured and I've picked up weight for the first time.

Two months ago my GP stated categorically that my thyroid medication dose is too high - after a blood test. I've been on the same dose for many years and after being "forced" earlier this year by Discovery to change from Eltroxin to Euthyrox, I did feel a bit more hyper than I should, probably the new molecule being more efficient than the older Eltroxin one or just the body responding slightly differently. Who knows... I did experience an elevated heart rate and thus conceded to the doctor. So we reduced the dose by 50%, based on my weight and height, I was not in the normal distribution for dosages according to Doc; that is to maintain the thyroid levels within the normal distribution (If you know me at all you should hear Grrrr, and lots of question marks flying around). But, nothing happened. I did not feel suddenly significantly deprived nor did I have the aches and pains I usually get when my dosage is too low, but I noticed something odd on the scale. Scope (weight) creep. At first it was just a small drift and I could deal with it and I attributed it more to nervous eating prior to the Comrades than to the dosage change. However, in the last two weeks, I've finally caught up with myself (after getting injured and having to make sure I adjust my calorie intake now that I cannot run) and I've realized in desperation that what had been "creep" has not become a mountain of fat. I've picked up 3 kg in 2 months, without significantly changing my lifestyle. Most of it in the past 3 weeks. I felt like the magic carpet ride came to an end too abruptly. No, not this again. I am so tired of battling the bulge. Can't I just get on free ride? Sigh. And I picked up my pieces and here I am ... back on track. Tracking my food and re-reading the important principles and just generally reminding myself how to do this right.

I am seriously monitoring my intake (via www.fatsecret.co.za) and balancing my Fat-Carbs-Protein intake carefully. I am also checking my blood ketones (expensive as it is) - this tool I found to be the most useful way to track my progress - getting myself into serious ketosis is the aim. I am also trying to calibrate the breathalyzer "Ketonix" instrument relative to the blood ketones to see if it could be a cheaper way to track ketone levels on a daily basis. Feedback to follow.....

There are a lot of books out there about autoimmune disease and paleo or low-carb diets and I wish I'd known about this stuff 18 years ago when I started having issues. I have no thyroid at all now, thus my issues are on going. In a sense I cannot be "cured" because I have no thyroid to fix. However, I still benefit from the health improvements associated with eating like this. I've felt it and seen too much benefit and do not wish to change my lifestyle. I don't find it hard to stick to this way of eating and it has truly become a lifestyle, with very little feeling of "deprivation". Unlike all other eating plans I've tried.

After all of that, it's hard to suddenly feel fat again. I've consciously aimed my focus on tracking my diet, my weight, my ketosis et al, to keep myself positive. The weight issue together with the uncertainty re my dose is disconcerting, and I cannot run yet with an injury lingering. I am not in a good head space at all and I know it's related to the lack of exercise, but I am pushing through this, just like I do when I race a marathon. Focusing on each milestone, step-by-step. 

Focus, measure, commit, patience.

Why me?

Since Sunday I've been miserable, depressed, angry, ungracious, teary and generally pathetic. Even though I know I am being ungracious and pathetic about this, I don't know how to deal with this without feeling like a toddler. My life fell to pieces when on a normal Sunday morning, during a normal 10k race, I injured my ankle tendons so badly that I had to bail from a race. Never did that before. I could hardly walk though and was worried if I continued to limp the 5 km to the finish, I might do more harm. My emotional response to this event though shocked me to the core. I am devastated. My wholeness as a human being is so intermingled with my ability to run. More than I even expected. I got dropped at the finish and limped to towards the finish line, hoping to see Carl, and luckily he had just arrived, after running a super race. I limped to him and started crying. Like the world was ending. I still have not actually cried myself out. I feel like I've been holding my breath for the past four days. I am not being gracious about it. I am angry. I am grieving. I am a terrible person. I went for a scan on Monday, nothing torn in the tendon but signs of achilles tendinosis and tenosynovitis of the tibialis posterior tendon. Sigh. I cannot step down, or push off basically. Icing and rest...until it's better. Immediately I feel fat, unbalanced and emotionally vulnerable.

 I do feel pretty bad about my response. Carl was so gracious when he got injured at a critical time during our Comrades training. I on the otherhand (Darryl) seem to have no capacity to deal with this in anyway other than grieving for a loss. I am most definitely not resigned to my fate, but I feel very lost. So I've been focusing on finding out about treating this, preventing it and going forward. I am still hopeful that it is only a two week outage, with gentle running to start of with, but I have no real idea. It really hurts when I step down. Which is a bit of bummer when you try to run. I have tried not to test my foot so far, but I will walk on Saturday to see how it feels.
So I am really trying to look for a way through it - MJF - I am really trying to get to acceptance.

RICE (rest-ice-compression-elevation) is the only advice the doctor gave me. I really wish there was more to it, but I think he is correct. So I am alright, not really, but I am trying to be alright. Looking back at my emotional response, I am working through the "why me syndrome" I picked up at the same time I got this injury and hopefully I can come out of this a better person. I've had to look in the mirror a bit and did not like all I saw. I am very determined and positive by nature, and generally find that with hard work I can achieve and thus have been an achiever my whole life (at work - not so much at personal things). My running helps me to cope with a lot of stress at work and it's become a bit of a safety net. So I think that was the major blow for me. I look forward to running because it heals me from work, it balances my imbalances. It's the best part of my day. SO I've learnt that:

• I run for life and running is my happy place
• I deal with work stuff when I run and it balances my mind
• I need to work on my grown-up-ness
• I need to work on my acceptance in defeat and be gracious when things go wrong

Where is the summer sun?

I've gone from feeling like an champ mere hours ago to feeling this cruddy? Must be that virus alert that was sent out: Here she is, all confident and happy, let's get her! A truck ran over me. Funny how a cold can make you feel so terrible so quickly. Head pounding. Eyes puffy. Sigh. And how is it possible to have a runny and blocked nose at the same time? I don't like winter. I like long days and warm summer evenings. I struggle with winter running, the dark mostly. I don't mind the chill, but it's always night? I get up, go to work, it is night. I go to running, I get home, it's still night. Where is the sun. After Comrades, we were back at track on Monday, glorious easy running and I had hope. Maybe this winter will be better. I won't be so useless. If we can keep fit throughout, it will be the perfect base for the coming months. This is merely 48 hours ago...this stupid virus knocked my front teeth out. All I want is to go home and sleep. My main aim for today is not to give in to the urge to close my door and sleep under my desk. I am achieving this via double-podding my Nespresso coffees. I think I may be on my 10th pod for the day already and it is only lunch time. So far it's achieving the target of keeping me more or less upright.

Why I don't like winter:

the second toe on my left foot itches
my fingers are always cold
my toes hurt
I never see the sun
winter PJs throttle me in my sleep
cats are selfish sleepers
(see throttling issue)
all I want to do is snack even if I am not hungry
I drink too much coffee
my skin is so dry it burns and I look like I am ashing
(despite all the moisturizer I use)
it is always dark
my birthday looms
hibernation seems like a feasible vacation destination
days are shorter
cleaning out the fireplace
washing dishes
getting out of the shower
the dead garden
cracked lips

And because I promised myself that I would try to be a more balanced person...

What I love about winter:

hot chocolate, sugar free of course
(but I drink this in summer too)
creamy soups
fires
you always have a cat on your lap
my birthday presents
wearing long coats
(need to get a matrix leather one)
the winter solstice
(because it is the first step towards summer)

Clearly I am not a great candidate to go and work in  Scandinavia or Canada, but at least I know what I like.

There is no truth

This past week has brought up all the feelings I had when the Lance Armstrong story broke many months ago. I felt let down, betrayed and just plain disappointed. I know it is wrong of society (me included) to make these mere mortals into superstars. Superstars that will inevitably let us down or disappoint us. But we fall in the trap over and over again. Thinking, hey this guy must be wonderful, he fought cancer, or overcame a disability...
Lance's deceit ruined an entire sport for me. An avid Tour de France couch supporter, I shouted support up those mountains and during the Olympics we cried with joy when Oscar was allowed to run. Both men overcame so much to achieve their dreams. Lance and Oscar both seemed to be good causes.
And now we have this mess - tragic and beyond fixing. Even if Oscar's super-legal team can cast enough doubt and get him off, nobody will ever be sure and of course no way will the truth ever be presented. All the spin in the world cannot fix this however. In a way, his money, his contacts, his reputation will always count against him, but this is not the point. It is just sad. A tragedy, forever.
How much did we contribute to this? As society we repeatedly fall in the trap and expect these talented people to be role models, to be perfect, to be kind, to be healthy, balance and honest personalities - just because of their achievements. It is a flawed premise and yet here we are. People are picking sides and making comments and judgements. A girl is dead. No matter what follows, there will be some reckoning for this. A girl is dead, a young man's life is ruined, two families will struggle with this for the rest of their lives and we sit on the sidelines commenting and judging. Would this have happened if society hadn't adored these people for being fast and beautiful? Who knows, but I fear this cycle seems to perpetuate. When fame and money is in the mix it seems there is no truth. Don't we still al believe OJ got away with murdering his ex-wife?