First steps taken

Joy! I ran my first gentle run yesterday evening. About 6 km and I held back on pace, keeping myself around 7 min/km for most of the track session. I had the most wonderful (soulful) experience running with Bronwynne and we chatted and just had a great session. It was wonderful to work up some sweat. I am back. Slow, very gently, but I am back at running.

Running with Bron reminded me again just how amazing the bonds are we create with our fellow runners. We share something special, because running makes you vulnerable. It's like when you run, your heart and soul is more visible or closer to the surface. I love running. I did not care that I was slow yesterday. I did not mind not running and pushing. I am so grateful to just be. So maybe sometimes an injury is there to remind me to be grateful to just be able to be out there. To remind me to be humble in my running and to put my life and my struggles in perspective.

Lesson noted and taken to heart. I am running with (and for) my heart and my soul.

Sometimes the monster is not under the bed, but in my head

I am feeling lost today.
Not due to something specific - normally winter months are tougher for me, but this feels different. I don't quite know what I feel like doing. None of my usual hobbies seem to draw me out today. It's weekend and I have not been able to exercise for 27 days. My calf muscle is slowly improving, but still very tight and after my test run 10 days ago, I have lost my oomph. It's fear. I am scared of going back because I may have to face the fact that it's not ready yet. I don't feel like facing that possibility nor do I feel like starting from scratch again. Losing the fitness we had after Comrades is not how I pictured this winter. I wanted so desperately to just keep running and be ready for the marathon in November. My dream had been to run the best ever Tough One this year because I would have been super fit. None of that happened. I am deeply disappointed of course, but there is this general feeling of malaise that just does not seem to leave me this week. It may just be the lack of exercise and the stress at work combining into a perfect emotional storm. I am dealing day-in-and-day-out with a lot of tough business issues, but also regularly with general people problems. Some days I really wish I had more psychological training and not just my "gut" to rely on. I have an issue at work that is panning out to be a big deal and I am not clear yet how to deal with this. My gut generally says, tackle it head on, but I don't think this will work in this case. I also don't think it's something one just leaves. I am deeply concerned and I am sure that does not help my cause.
I feel stuck inside my head.
My best friend taught me this trick that is supposed to uplift your mood. When you sit in the sun, close your eyes and cover with your hands. It should be really dark. Wait a few minutes until it is really BLACK. Then remove your hands (whilst keeping your eyes closed) lift your eyes towards the sun. The most amazing colours appear, it's like magic actually. Even patterns if you are lucky. Now wait until all the colour is gone and it turns white - cover your eyes again and wait for it to go completely black again. Repeat a few times. This is an extremely relaxing experience, but the trick is that one needs sun...Something that seems to be missing today.
I feel it swallowing me, this big, grey monster in my head. Without knowing exactly why, I feel a sense of loss without losing anything. It feels like the puzzle is too big today, and I cannot see the bigger picture. All I see is the pieces in front of me, no picture.

I always "Need to Have a Cause" or a project or a goal. This has been a very big deal in my life for as long as I can remember. This is by the way a very typical characteristic of INFJs - my own Myers-Briggs personality type. I get so caught up in the passion of my pursuit/s that any cumbersome issue, like waiting for the right time or waiting to heal, really trips me up. INFJs like to know that they are taking concrete steps towards their goals, and if life/timing/people get in my way, or worse yet, there is no goal at all, we feel restless and disappointed. I cannot "live" my goals at the moment or achieve progress at a pace that satisfies my sensibilities. I understand this of course, but I am unable to maintain this state of understanding for a long time.
I am also always at risk for "Burn Out" syndrome. I tend to tackle things with great passion and emotional investment. This passion together with my lack of patience and idealistic perspective can easily result in a build up inside me and without an outlet (letting of steam somehow) I get exhausted and despondent. Running gives me a way to balance my ideals with the realities of day-to-day living. Running is my way of letting of steam, my therapy, my cleanser and my goal; all wrapped up into one. Not running is more than just a time-out. I find myself slowly dissolving into a blob (physically and mentally). I feel like a couch potato with little or no drive. I tell myself that it is just temporary, but my heart is not hearing me. The message is getting softer, like a distant echo. Soon, soon, soon....and I have to somehow re-focus. But maybe not today.
This is not permanent, I know it, but heck it is hard to battle logic versus feeling somedays. Today is just a bad day, and I know it. Tomorrow will be better (or different) and eventually I will get inspired again. Right now, I just wanted to say it, admit it, deal with it in real WORDS. I am lost in my head.

Sweeteners ...Why I use Stevia and Erythritol

When I cook I and I need a sweetener, I try to avoid artificial sweeteners as far as practically possible. I always read the labels of any product that claims to be sugar free in detail. It is very seldom that one would find a product (especially mass produced) that uses erythritol or stevia and sometimes one compromises a little bit. In general, my rule is to avoid artificial sweeteners completely and my preference of use is stevia, erythritol and then xylitol if no other option is available. Stevia of course is risky, as it easily "tastes" artificial, so I generally blend stevia and erythritol to achieve my desired sweetness. A good ratio for me seems to be 1.3 cup of erythritol to 1/2 a tablespoon of stevia powder. This seems to prevent the food tasting like stevia-sweetened food.

Why do I prefer erythritol and stevia? Here is some of the pros and cons summarized.

• Xylitol is toxic for pets so I am always paranoid when using it that the dogs get hold of the bowls and the food. 
• Erythritol and stevia both have virtually no insulin response for people like me, this is important
• Xylitol tastes very much like sugar, whilst erythritol is slightly less "sweet" which is fine for me because we've been sugarless for so long now that really sweet stuff tastes nasty to me.
• Erythritol is more expensive than xylitol (and less accessible) so this is an issue for some people. Personally I try to limit my sweet stuff consumption to prevent us from falling into a sweet addiction again, so my consumption is limited to really just special treats. Stevia is generally fairly affordable, but I don't like using it on it's own in sweet dishes or baking due to the issue of the taste (It works fine when you want to cut the acidity of a tomato soup though). 
• Erythritol, unlike xylitol gives a "crunchiness" when used in baking. Rusks are a little bit more crunchy and it can be used to make meringues (Ta-Da). If you've tried to make meringues with xylitol you will know what I mean. Somethings in life should come with a CRUNCH.

 For those scientifically minded readers, I've put together from information obtained from the University of Sydney's website in a graph - looking at the Glycemic Index (GI) for common sugary substances and sweeteners.

I've left of all artificial ones as we try to avoid those. GI is just a way to explain a relative insulin response. 

Clearly, xylitol is still MILES better than most natural sugars; one can expect an insulin response when ingesting it though, even if mild and it greatly depends on your individual sensitivities. Small quantities of course is not going to be bad for you, but if you have a sweet tooth, it may be better to avoid using too much xylitol to bake with. 

(Link to raw data)

The data I used in table format below, for sake of completion.

So if you are like me, a tiny bit obsessive and like knowing about stuff, I hope this helps you.

Miss you Molly.

The Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths 

Of night and light and the half-light;

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W. B. Yeats

I miss you my Molly.

A (running) junkie in recovery

Me again. Still in recovery. It's ironic because the longer I am out, the more I feel that I am IN recovery, and not just recovering. "Hi, my name is Bella and I am a running junkie. It's been 22 days since I ran without pain." I've gone through some stages of grief, some of which requires me to do some restitution, but let's leave that for another day. I've also been forced to do some serious introspection. Looking into the mirror and polishing some of those dull spots. It's now officially three (long) weeks since the injury, and the jury is still out about my comeback. Being a very typical INFJ-personality I've been obsessing about obsessing. Since I've opted to start tracking my weight and my macro nutrients again, I've become a little obsessed with reviewing various Apps on my iPhone.

The first week I tested FatSecret, this week I am testing MyFitnessPal and some others were tried but discarded fairly quickly in between all of this. This has had other consequences, on which I will reflect later. So far, MyFitnessPal is the winner for me, although I find the control over the macro nutrients sub-par, the ease of data entry is superior.

What happens in my kitchen on a Saturday morning...
And this is what was left after the dishwasher was packed ;-)

KetodietApp is very cool in terms of other content (recipes, information etc). The reporting and how it tracks your food intake is cool (and in line with my way of eating), but I found entry of data too painful to sustain it. FatSecret was "ok" but lacked the finesse of MyFitnessPal when it came to entries. Overall, if you use FatSecret you could be happy, but I personally prefer MyFitnessPal. The FatSecret Web interface is slightly friendlier to use than the MyFitnessPal however, so it may be device sensitive. I tested the two phone Apps on my iPhone 5S. The KetodietApp is basically a blog incorporated into an App and works best on the iPad. It really is an excellent reference source for newbies on the LCHF diet. Although I purchased the App, I didn't add many extra recipes as I prefer using my own and making my own. I also find it easier to use Pinterest to "save" new recipes on my boards for viewing later. Once tested, I often review it or print it out for my "kitchen folder".
In my pursuit of happiness (during my time of recovery), I really have gone slightly berserk in the kitchen (especially on weekends). Recently I've been experimenting with variants of white chocolate fat bombs in an effort to create the best, ever ketogenic friendly white chocolate. The holy grail in my opinion. Milk chocolate that is not horribly sweet but still milky and creamy. It is easy to make dark chocolate that tastes great. The two nuts I still have to crack: (1) the "milkier" versions of the fat bombs and (2) a peppermint flavoured chocolate.

Best ever LC scones with cream and home made berry jam!
Yummy this was good.

So as per the evidence provided in my photograph of my kitchen sink (post-apocalyptic cooking event) this weekend was epic. Whilst pursuing this chocolate "dream", I baked some faux scones (LC-friendly and served with no-added-sugar-fruit-only jam and whipped cream), I made a mega-batch of toasted LC-granola (nuts and seeds), experimented with some chocolate, made some soup and roasted lamb.
All things good come to those who wait?
I am calm.
I am recovering.
Whilst eating scones and drinking tea. If I can't run...let me BAKE.

The runner plots but the body is not playing

I attempted my first run Wednesday evening - 2 weeks and 3 days after the injury. I jogged 8 km very slowly, intermittently walking and stretching and tried very hard to ignore the ache in my calf. It came back after about 1 km, at first it felt just like a cramp forming but it deteriorated into an actual ache and tightness by the time I got to 3 km into the route. At the end of the run I was back to hobbling. I iced at home and tried to stretch, but something is not right. Although I ran very slowly, the heart is willing, the calf is not. I've been very patient (sort of) and hadn't experienced any pain the last 3 days, which led to my decision to try and get a sense of my status.

And I know. I know. I know this stuff.
It's the best time to be injured.
I have no immediate race goals.
I am being a baby.
This is just something to work through.
I have to deal with.
I too shall pass.

But the uncertainty is eating at me. I want to close my eyes tightly, twirl 3 times clockwise, click my heels and all should be well again. I want to be OK; this is so much harder than I expected. My head-space is all wrong. I miss running so much.

How does one fix it?

I feel both dead and alive and I am too scared to open the box and find out which one. My mind tells me to remember all the good stuff, to be grateful for my blessings, but my heart is aching for the freedom of a pain free run. It is like being in a box - a dark and lonely place and you have to face your darkest self. I am trying not to despair. So far, I've been resting for 16 days. The first test run clearly showed that I am still in the big, black box of injury. On the bench. Not ready. No running for Bella (yet).

Planning for my comeback

There is more to running than increasing speed... 

I have been plotting my running comeback since the first day of my injury. At first I hoped it would be 1 week out with a slow comeback. I soon realized this was delusional and am now in week 2 with some progress, but clearly not recovered. 

My feet are itching to run again, but I've vowed to be more careful going forward. Speed killed and I know it will not help if I tell people this, but I am writing this blog for myself. To remind me of the dangers of pushing too hard. I recall a vivid memory during my first Ottosdal night race. We were running the 21 km event and there was a group of runners, clearly a bunch of novices led by a bus driver, running with us. The leader made them adhere to a strict walk-run strategy and every time they walked he (very loudly) reminded them that "Speed, not distance, kills". I think they were doing their first marathon. Patiently he just kept this routine up and kept them from "rushing out". This mantra has stuck with me over the past few years and I often repeat the story to novices. Somehow though, especially after Comrades, I felt invincible. I started pushing hard at track and honestly believe it all led to my injury on that fated morning during the Northgate 10 km race. It's been a hard fall. Arrogance is a serious enemy of a runner. We easily forget that we are only human. Generally, I am quite a conservative runner. I start slow. I warm-up slowly and I don't push myself into pain early in a race. However, I got swept up in the frenzy of PBs that was going on around me, inspired by my own 10 km and Comrades runs, I thought I was safe and I felt I had time to play with speed. After Comrades we felt great and went back to running within 2 weeks of the big race. In the third week we were pushing hard during track running sprints and running faster than we probably should have. Because I felt I could, I wanted to fit in, be part of the runners, peer pressure, all that jazz. The Wednesday before the Northgate race, I ran fast short distances and started feeling an ache in my hamstring. I slowed down a bit but not much. It was a familiar ache so I did not worry too much. I stretched and told myself to stretch more. It's been an uphill battle since the real injury hit me during that race. I know how to run with pain. I did many hours of it during the Comrades, but this was "damaged" pain. It's very different to an existing ache that just stays there whilst you plod on. Both my calf and my hamstring muscle now is extremely sensitive. Not sure if it is as a result of the rest or the injury or the rubbing, but it feels like I have two very deep bruises on the two muscles. Very specific, pin point aches or bruising. I am not sure if I am improving or not and have not attempted to run yet, I am actually petrified to find out whether I can or can't. I can now climb down stairs without too much discomfort, and the ache in my Achilles area is definitely more of a dull stiffness rather than an ache. The uncertainty eats at me. I feel like I am not doing the right things, yet I don't know what else to do.

My haphazard treatment strategy thus far are an eclectic mix of paranoia, advice from friends and the internet and just doing stuff because I have to do something:

1. Eccentric stretching of the calf muscle on a step

2. Ice

3. Rest

4. Rubbing

5. Rest

6. Some desperate anti-inflammatory taking after week one

7. More rest

8. Worrying

9. Googling

10. Watching Tour de France and Wimbeldon 

11. Foam rolling

12. More worrying

13. Kinesio taping

14. Blogging about it

15. Rubbing in all types gels related to muscle soreness

16. More stretching

Next step is to see if I can do a gentle, slow jog on the weekend. Hoping the ache in the calf and hamstring muscle is just a bruise from the rubbing. I really don't know. If it is not better by next week I will have to go see a professional to get an opinion. In the meantime, I am open to suggestions to my list of treatment strategies.

For my comeback, I plan to respect speed a bit more and stop comparing myself to the younger, faster speedsters at track. I love the track group, but I have to be careful not to get into the habit of pushing "all the time" or getting swept up in the mad rush to run faster all the time. This is by the way, advice I give people all the time. And generally I adhere to it as well. This is a wake-up call, I wish I had not made the series of mistakes that led to this, but it is what it is. I am not a spring chicken anymore, my body needs more time to recover. I need to be more gentle with it. I will. I WILL be kinder to my muscles. I don't care if I run slow, I just want to RUN. Please...

Nearly 45

Molly (RIP

It's nearly that time of year again. I hardly noticed last year's birthday. Molly had just passed away and I never am fully functional in winter anyway. I believe it is related to the lack of sun. I hardly ever see the sun in winter. We get to work so early (before the sun is really up) and unless the sun is still shining when we train, after work, we get home after dark and an entire day goes by without the sun. Lately, I've been feeling very uninspired. It all started with the injury and not being able to run. I have been taking action to mitigate this miserableness I am feeling. Actively taking control of my diet, measuring my progress, doing my budget, planning things etc. This birthday is just strange this year. It feels like I am still 39 and I don't want to be 45. I feel unhappy about it. Something I never really felt when I turned 40. Between 39 and 45, I've been very busy with "doing" things. Living life. Since my 40th birthday, life has changed. I am a late bloomer and both professionally and personally things have really only started to take off for me since my late 30s. I am not a dweller. Normally my view is "move forward" as soon as possible. If I cannot change it, deal with it. If something didn't work, I try to move on and find a better way. Life is just that actually. Move on (Keep Calm and...) and try to improve on what you did previously. For me "45" feels a bit like a way-point. It's on my journey but it is not my destination. I need to go past this to get to my destination, but it is not the destination and I don't actually know what the destination is. Wouldn't it be great if Garmin sold Life-GPS maps. You could upgrade your GPS to help you navigate your life. I hope my Life-GPS will take me to new and exciting places in the year to come. I just want to feel happy and grateful for another year of blessings. I have been very lucky this year. So many things have been wonderful and I've grown so much. I know this feeling is temporary and soon, very soon I hope, I will feel inspired again. I hope it is tomorrow. 

Then I watched the New Balance video. I cried, and laughed and ached and just generally remembered how great my life actually is. I am 45 young on Monday. So what! It's just a number. My job is to find the dreams, then do it.

#IComrades Video

So I am not the weight-loss poster child of LCHF

I wish I was the poster child for LCHF weight-loss, but I am not.

I've kept on struggling with my weight not losing big chunks, but slowly whittled away about 5kg and then for most of the past 18 months have either plateaued or lost a bit of weight. For about a month earlier this year I reached my goal. Overall I've lost enough weight and maintained the weight-loss to feel good about myself, but not enough to be the success story of the year in that department. I do however feel great and healthy for the first time in 20 years. I feel energized, awake, no blood sugar issues, healthy and I have a general sense of physical well-being that perhaps I never even realized was missing until I got it "back". None of those nasty tummy cramps after eating, no more postprandial narcolepsy and most importantly: not a singly hypoglycemic event in 18 months, basically since the day I ditched carbs and sugar. It also revolutionized my running. I hated GU et al in my carbo-loading days. Now I run a marathon on a good breakfast (egg and avocado) and water. Eating heaps of food before a race is not a requirement, I can just decide to run and I go. I carry almost nothing with me when I run, it's so comfortable. So weight-loss wise it's been okay - I did not pick up weight and occasionally lost some, most of time I was rock steady and stable. I did not look as great as some of my Banting friends - the same people whom I convinced into eating this way...but I shouldered it bravely and admitted to myself that even though I don't cheat with carbs, we don't always stick with the principle of "eat only when hungry", mostly because I LOVE eating and cooking and baking. I am also a stress eater and I have I mentioned, I LOVE food. My LCHF foodie addiction also contributes for sure, I so enjoy baking. The challenge and adventure to create something special really gives me a kick and having a challenge like LC cooking is just too much fun to skip. Then there is the dairy thing; I am definitely sensitive to dairy, so when I eat cheese and have milk in my coffee, my weight-loss stalls. Thus the odds are a bit stacked, and I know I am not the only one. I've read and re-read all the "Top reasons why you are not losing weight on Banting/LCHF" articles and really understand the issues. These challenges do not change my opinion on this way of eating - this is not a diet, it's a lifestyle. A lifestyle I've selected based on my own investigation into the available research. I am convinced and remain convinced.The health benefits are too overwhelming and everything I've read about the benefits of LC eating when suffering from autoimmune afflictions convinced me long before I realized that this is a way to control my weight as well.

And so why am I not a happy camper? Why am I miserable and thinking enviously about my thin Banting friends? I've recently hit a bit of a bump in the road. I got injured and I've picked up weight for the first time.

Two months ago my GP stated categorically that my thyroid medication dose is too high - after a blood test. I've been on the same dose for many years and after being "forced" earlier this year by Discovery to change from Eltroxin to Euthyrox, I did feel a bit more hyper than I should, probably the new molecule being more efficient than the older Eltroxin one or just the body responding slightly differently. Who knows... I did experience an elevated heart rate and thus conceded to the doctor. So we reduced the dose by 50%, based on my weight and height, I was not in the normal distribution for dosages according to Doc; that is to maintain the thyroid levels within the normal distribution (If you know me at all you should hear Grrrr, and lots of question marks flying around). But, nothing happened. I did not feel suddenly significantly deprived nor did I have the aches and pains I usually get when my dosage is too low, but I noticed something odd on the scale. Scope (weight) creep. At first it was just a small drift and I could deal with it and I attributed it more to nervous eating prior to the Comrades than to the dosage change. However, in the last two weeks, I've finally caught up with myself (after getting injured and having to make sure I adjust my calorie intake now that I cannot run) and I've realized in desperation that what had been "creep" has not become a mountain of fat. I've picked up 3 kg in 2 months, without significantly changing my lifestyle. Most of it in the past 3 weeks. I felt like the magic carpet ride came to an end too abruptly. No, not this again. I am so tired of battling the bulge. Can't I just get on free ride? Sigh. And I picked up my pieces and here I am ... back on track. Tracking my food and re-reading the important principles and just generally reminding myself how to do this right.

I am seriously monitoring my intake (via www.fatsecret.co.za) and balancing my Fat-Carbs-Protein intake carefully. I am also checking my blood ketones (expensive as it is) - this tool I found to be the most useful way to track my progress - getting myself into serious ketosis is the aim. I am also trying to calibrate the breathalyzer "Ketonix" instrument relative to the blood ketones to see if it could be a cheaper way to track ketone levels on a daily basis. Feedback to follow.....

There are a lot of books out there about autoimmune disease and paleo or low-carb diets and I wish I'd known about this stuff 18 years ago when I started having issues. I have no thyroid at all now, thus my issues are on going. In a sense I cannot be "cured" because I have no thyroid to fix. However, I still benefit from the health improvements associated with eating like this. I've felt it and seen too much benefit and do not wish to change my lifestyle. I don't find it hard to stick to this way of eating and it has truly become a lifestyle, with very little feeling of "deprivation". Unlike all other eating plans I've tried.

After all of that, it's hard to suddenly feel fat again. I've consciously aimed my focus on tracking my diet, my weight, my ketosis et al, to keep myself positive. The weight issue together with the uncertainty re my dose is disconcerting, and I cannot run yet with an injury lingering. I am not in a good head space at all and I know it's related to the lack of exercise, but I am pushing through this, just like I do when I race a marathon. Focusing on each milestone, step-by-step. 

Focus, measure, commit, patience.

Why me?

Since Sunday I've been miserable, depressed, angry, ungracious, teary and generally pathetic. Even though I know I am being ungracious and pathetic about this, I don't know how to deal with this without feeling like a toddler. My life fell to pieces when on a normal Sunday morning, during a normal 10k race, I injured my ankle tendons so badly that I had to bail from a race. Never did that before. I could hardly walk though and was worried if I continued to limp the 5 km to the finish, I might do more harm. My emotional response to this event though shocked me to the core. I am devastated. My wholeness as a human being is so intermingled with my ability to run. More than I even expected. I got dropped at the finish and limped to towards the finish line, hoping to see Carl, and luckily he had just arrived, after running a super race. I limped to him and started crying. Like the world was ending. I still have not actually cried myself out. I feel like I've been holding my breath for the past four days. I am not being gracious about it. I am angry. I am grieving. I am a terrible person. I went for a scan on Monday, nothing torn in the tendon but signs of achilles tendinosis and tenosynovitis of the tibialis posterior tendon. Sigh. I cannot step down, or push off basically. Icing and rest...until it's better. Immediately I feel fat, unbalanced and emotionally vulnerable.

 I do feel pretty bad about my response. Carl was so gracious when he got injured at a critical time during our Comrades training. I on the otherhand (Darryl) seem to have no capacity to deal with this in anyway other than grieving for a loss. I am most definitely not resigned to my fate, but I feel very lost. So I've been focusing on finding out about treating this, preventing it and going forward. I am still hopeful that it is only a two week outage, with gentle running to start of with, but I have no real idea. It really hurts when I step down. Which is a bit of bummer when you try to run. I have tried not to test my foot so far, but I will walk on Saturday to see how it feels.
So I am really trying to look for a way through it - MJF - I am really trying to get to acceptance.

RICE (rest-ice-compression-elevation) is the only advice the doctor gave me. I really wish there was more to it, but I think he is correct. So I am alright, not really, but I am trying to be alright. Looking back at my emotional response, I am working through the "why me syndrome" I picked up at the same time I got this injury and hopefully I can come out of this a better person. I've had to look in the mirror a bit and did not like all I saw. I am very determined and positive by nature, and generally find that with hard work I can achieve and thus have been an achiever my whole life (at work - not so much at personal things). My running helps me to cope with a lot of stress at work and it's become a bit of a safety net. So I think that was the major blow for me. I look forward to running because it heals me from work, it balances my imbalances. It's the best part of my day. SO I've learnt that:

• I run for life and running is my happy place
• I deal with work stuff when I run and it balances my mind
• I need to work on my grown-up-ness
• I need to work on my acceptance in defeat and be gracious when things go wrong