Not due to something specific - normally winter months are tougher for me, but this feels different. I don't quite know what I feel like doing. None of my usual hobbies seem to draw me out today. It's weekend and I have not been able to exercise for 27 days. My calf muscle is slowly improving, but still very tight and after my test run 10 days ago, I have lost my oomph. It's fear. I am scared of going back because I may have to face the fact that it's not ready yet. I don't feel like facing that possibility nor do I feel like starting from scratch again. Losing the fitness we had after Comrades is not how I pictured this winter. I wanted so desperately to just keep running and be ready for the marathon in November. My dream had been to run the best ever Tough One this year because I would have been super fit. None of that happened. I am deeply disappointed of course, but there is this general feeling of malaise that just does not seem to leave me this week. It may just be the lack of exercise and the stress at work combining into a perfect emotional storm. I am dealing day-in-and-day-out with a lot of tough business issues, but also regularly with general people problems. Some days I really wish I had more psychological training and not just my "gut" to rely on. I have an issue at work that is panning out to be a big deal and I am not clear yet how to deal with this. My gut generally says, tackle it head on, but I don't think this will work in this case. I also don't think it's something one just leaves. I am deeply concerned and I am sure that does not help my cause.
I feel stuck inside my head.
My best friend taught me this trick that is supposed to uplift your mood. When you sit in the sun, close your eyes and cover with your hands. It should be really dark. Wait a few minutes until it is really BLACK. Then remove your hands (whilst keeping your eyes closed) lift your eyes towards the sun. The most amazing colours appear, it's like magic actually. Even patterns if you are lucky. Now wait until all the colour is gone and it turns white - cover your eyes again and wait for it to go completely black again. Repeat a few times. This is an extremely relaxing experience, but the trick is that one needs sun...Something that seems to be missing today.
I feel it swallowing me, this big, grey monster in my head. Without knowing exactly why, I feel a sense of loss without losing anything. It feels like the puzzle is too big today, and I cannot see the bigger picture. All I see is the pieces in front of me, no picture.
I always "Need to Have a Cause" or a project or a goal. This has been a very big deal in my life for as long as I can remember. This is by the way a very typical characteristic of INFJs - my own Myers-Briggs personality type. I get so caught up in the passion of my pursuit/s that any cumbersome issue, like waiting for the right time or waiting to heal, really trips me up. INFJs like to know that they are taking concrete steps towards their goals, and if life/timing/people get in my way, or worse yet, there is no goal at all, we feel restless and disappointed. I cannot "live" my goals at the moment or achieve progress at a pace that satisfies my sensibilities. I understand this of course, but I am unable to maintain this state of understanding for a long time.
I am also always at risk for "Burn Out" syndrome. I tend to tackle things with great passion and emotional investment. This passion together with my lack of patience and idealistic perspective can easily result in a build up inside me and without an outlet (letting of steam somehow) I get exhausted and despondent. Running gives me a way to balance my ideals with the realities of day-to-day living. Running is my way of letting of steam, my therapy, my cleanser and my goal; all wrapped up into one. Not running is more than just a time-out. I find myself slowly dissolving into a blob (physically and mentally). I feel like a couch potato with little or no drive. I tell myself that it is just temporary, but my heart is not hearing me. The message is getting softer, like a distant echo. Soon, soon, soon....and I have to somehow re-focus. But maybe not today.
This is not permanent, I know it, but heck it is hard to battle logic versus feeling somedays. Today is just a bad day, and I know it. Tomorrow will be better (or different) and eventually I will get inspired again. Right now, I just wanted to say it, admit it, deal with it in real WORDS. I am lost in my head.
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