"My favourite day." said Pooh

I checked the definition of "fertility" and the first part of the definition was almost word for word what I would have written down if asked, namely "The ability to produce offspring". The second part however gave me a clue to the feeling I've been struggling to verbalise all this while: "Fertility - the power of reproduction". And therein lies the word I've been struggling for. All this time I've been feeling powerless! Not just sad or angry or grieving: powerless. We (the girl-children) are brainwashed about our power. Our power to choose. Our power as women in the new South Africa, our right to be equal...and yet a simple little word "infertile" can change one's self image dramatically.

This word's been hanging over my head for a longt iem. I thought I was "fine", maybe sad sometimes with a sense of loss, but hey I think that is an perfectly acceptable feeling. Once you start poking in the dark places though, unexpected nasty things stir and suddenly the issue of self worth stirrs the dark inners of one's soul. Powerless. Like a rolling blackout, lost even. I've spent quite a few sleepless nights trying to accept and prepare myself emotionally. I've researched the practical issues, chatted to a friend who had a hysterectomy and tried really hard to be brave about this. I drew the line at checking out the procedure on You Tube (a friend of mine did and I am sure I couldn't handle knowing the gory details of the actual operation). So hell, I am scared. Scared that I will be pathetic afterwards. Scared that I won't be the same person. Scared that somehow psychologically the "womb-lessness" will make me different.
So I am writing down scary thoughts, sorting through the issues and hopefully finding my equilibrium. I am - not so eloquently - sorting through my stuff because in the end a knife is going to cut something out of me - something I was born with. Something that changes the way you think about yourself - even if it shouldn't. 
It is a blend of being "fine", understanding the situation, accepting the issues, and yet being confused and scared all at once. Yesterday I was reminded of my first principle (via a friend's WhatsApp message): "...in this moment there is complete peace". It is true and it is truth. We cannot change the past. I can change how I feel about it, but it is what it is and yesterday and tomorrow does not exist.

"What day is it?" asked Pooh
"It's today." squeaked Piglet.
"My favourite day." said Pooh

Thanks to Annie and Pooh for reminding me.