The runner plots but the body is not playing

I attempted my first run Wednesday evening - 2 weeks and 3 days after the injury. I jogged 8 km very slowly, intermittently walking and stretching and tried very hard to ignore the ache in my calf. It came back after about 1 km, at first it felt just like a cramp forming but it deteriorated into an actual ache and tightness by the time I got to 3 km into the route. At the end of the run I was back to hobbling. I iced at home and tried to stretch, but something is not right. Although I ran very slowly, the heart is willing, the calf is not. I've been very patient (sort of) and hadn't experienced any pain the last 3 days, which led to my decision to try and get a sense of my status.

And I know. I know. I know this stuff.
It's the best time to be injured.
I have no immediate race goals.
I am being a baby.
This is just something to work through.
I have to deal with.
I too shall pass.

But the uncertainty is eating at me. I want to close my eyes tightly, twirl 3 times clockwise, click my heels and all should be well again. I want to be OK; this is so much harder than I expected. My head-space is all wrong. I miss running so much.

How does one fix it?

I feel both dead and alive and I am too scared to open the box and find out which one. My mind tells me to remember all the good stuff, to be grateful for my blessings, but my heart is aching for the freedom of a pain free run. It is like being in a box - a dark and lonely place and you have to face your darkest self. I am trying not to despair. So far, I've been resting for 16 days. The first test run clearly showed that I am still in the big, black box of injury. On the bench. Not ready. No running for Bella (yet).

Planning for my comeback

There is more to running than increasing speed... 

I have been plotting my running comeback since the first day of my injury. At first I hoped it would be 1 week out with a slow comeback. I soon realized this was delusional and am now in week 2 with some progress, but clearly not recovered. 

My feet are itching to run again, but I've vowed to be more careful going forward. Speed killed and I know it will not help if I tell people this, but I am writing this blog for myself. To remind me of the dangers of pushing too hard. I recall a vivid memory during my first Ottosdal night race. We were running the 21 km event and there was a group of runners, clearly a bunch of novices led by a bus driver, running with us. The leader made them adhere to a strict walk-run strategy and every time they walked he (very loudly) reminded them that "Speed, not distance, kills". I think they were doing their first marathon. Patiently he just kept this routine up and kept them from "rushing out". This mantra has stuck with me over the past few years and I often repeat the story to novices. Somehow though, especially after Comrades, I felt invincible. I started pushing hard at track and honestly believe it all led to my injury on that fated morning during the Northgate 10 km race. It's been a hard fall. Arrogance is a serious enemy of a runner. We easily forget that we are only human. Generally, I am quite a conservative runner. I start slow. I warm-up slowly and I don't push myself into pain early in a race. However, I got swept up in the frenzy of PBs that was going on around me, inspired by my own 10 km and Comrades runs, I thought I was safe and I felt I had time to play with speed. After Comrades we felt great and went back to running within 2 weeks of the big race. In the third week we were pushing hard during track running sprints and running faster than we probably should have. Because I felt I could, I wanted to fit in, be part of the runners, peer pressure, all that jazz. The Wednesday before the Northgate race, I ran fast short distances and started feeling an ache in my hamstring. I slowed down a bit but not much. It was a familiar ache so I did not worry too much. I stretched and told myself to stretch more. It's been an uphill battle since the real injury hit me during that race. I know how to run with pain. I did many hours of it during the Comrades, but this was "damaged" pain. It's very different to an existing ache that just stays there whilst you plod on. Both my calf and my hamstring muscle now is extremely sensitive. Not sure if it is as a result of the rest or the injury or the rubbing, but it feels like I have two very deep bruises on the two muscles. Very specific, pin point aches or bruising. I am not sure if I am improving or not and have not attempted to run yet, I am actually petrified to find out whether I can or can't. I can now climb down stairs without too much discomfort, and the ache in my Achilles area is definitely more of a dull stiffness rather than an ache. The uncertainty eats at me. I feel like I am not doing the right things, yet I don't know what else to do.

My haphazard treatment strategy thus far are an eclectic mix of paranoia, advice from friends and the internet and just doing stuff because I have to do something:

1. Eccentric stretching of the calf muscle on a step

2. Ice

3. Rest

4. Rubbing

5. Rest

6. Some desperate anti-inflammatory taking after week one

7. More rest

8. Worrying

9. Googling

10. Watching Tour de France and Wimbeldon 

11. Foam rolling

12. More worrying

13. Kinesio taping

14. Blogging about it

15. Rubbing in all types gels related to muscle soreness

16. More stretching

Next step is to see if I can do a gentle, slow jog on the weekend. Hoping the ache in the calf and hamstring muscle is just a bruise from the rubbing. I really don't know. If it is not better by next week I will have to go see a professional to get an opinion. In the meantime, I am open to suggestions to my list of treatment strategies.

For my comeback, I plan to respect speed a bit more and stop comparing myself to the younger, faster speedsters at track. I love the track group, but I have to be careful not to get into the habit of pushing "all the time" or getting swept up in the mad rush to run faster all the time. This is by the way, advice I give people all the time. And generally I adhere to it as well. This is a wake-up call, I wish I had not made the series of mistakes that led to this, but it is what it is. I am not a spring chicken anymore, my body needs more time to recover. I need to be more gentle with it. I will. I WILL be kinder to my muscles. I don't care if I run slow, I just want to RUN. Please...

Nearly 45

Molly (RIP

It's nearly that time of year again. I hardly noticed last year's birthday. Molly had just passed away and I never am fully functional in winter anyway. I believe it is related to the lack of sun. I hardly ever see the sun in winter. We get to work so early (before the sun is really up) and unless the sun is still shining when we train, after work, we get home after dark and an entire day goes by without the sun. Lately, I've been feeling very uninspired. It all started with the injury and not being able to run. I have been taking action to mitigate this miserableness I am feeling. Actively taking control of my diet, measuring my progress, doing my budget, planning things etc. This birthday is just strange this year. It feels like I am still 39 and I don't want to be 45. I feel unhappy about it. Something I never really felt when I turned 40. Between 39 and 45, I've been very busy with "doing" things. Living life. Since my 40th birthday, life has changed. I am a late bloomer and both professionally and personally things have really only started to take off for me since my late 30s. I am not a dweller. Normally my view is "move forward" as soon as possible. If I cannot change it, deal with it. If something didn't work, I try to move on and find a better way. Life is just that actually. Move on (Keep Calm and...) and try to improve on what you did previously. For me "45" feels a bit like a way-point. It's on my journey but it is not my destination. I need to go past this to get to my destination, but it is not the destination and I don't actually know what the destination is. Wouldn't it be great if Garmin sold Life-GPS maps. You could upgrade your GPS to help you navigate your life. I hope my Life-GPS will take me to new and exciting places in the year to come. I just want to feel happy and grateful for another year of blessings. I have been very lucky this year. So many things have been wonderful and I've grown so much. I know this feeling is temporary and soon, very soon I hope, I will feel inspired again. I hope it is tomorrow. 

Then I watched the New Balance video. I cried, and laughed and ached and just generally remembered how great my life actually is. I am 45 young on Monday. So what! It's just a number. My job is to find the dreams, then do it.

#IComrades Video

So I am not the weight-loss poster child of LCHF

I wish I was the poster child for LCHF weight-loss, but I am not.

I've kept on struggling with my weight not losing big chunks, but slowly whittled away about 5kg and then for most of the past 18 months have either plateaued or lost a bit of weight. For about a month earlier this year I reached my goal. Overall I've lost enough weight and maintained the weight-loss to feel good about myself, but not enough to be the success story of the year in that department. I do however feel great and healthy for the first time in 20 years. I feel energized, awake, no blood sugar issues, healthy and I have a general sense of physical well-being that perhaps I never even realized was missing until I got it "back". None of those nasty tummy cramps after eating, no more postprandial narcolepsy and most importantly: not a singly hypoglycemic event in 18 months, basically since the day I ditched carbs and sugar. It also revolutionized my running. I hated GU et al in my carbo-loading days. Now I run a marathon on a good breakfast (egg and avocado) and water. Eating heaps of food before a race is not a requirement, I can just decide to run and I go. I carry almost nothing with me when I run, it's so comfortable. So weight-loss wise it's been okay - I did not pick up weight and occasionally lost some, most of time I was rock steady and stable. I did not look as great as some of my Banting friends - the same people whom I convinced into eating this way...but I shouldered it bravely and admitted to myself that even though I don't cheat with carbs, we don't always stick with the principle of "eat only when hungry", mostly because I LOVE eating and cooking and baking. I am also a stress eater and I have I mentioned, I LOVE food. My LCHF foodie addiction also contributes for sure, I so enjoy baking. The challenge and adventure to create something special really gives me a kick and having a challenge like LC cooking is just too much fun to skip. Then there is the dairy thing; I am definitely sensitive to dairy, so when I eat cheese and have milk in my coffee, my weight-loss stalls. Thus the odds are a bit stacked, and I know I am not the only one. I've read and re-read all the "Top reasons why you are not losing weight on Banting/LCHF" articles and really understand the issues. These challenges do not change my opinion on this way of eating - this is not a diet, it's a lifestyle. A lifestyle I've selected based on my own investigation into the available research. I am convinced and remain convinced.The health benefits are too overwhelming and everything I've read about the benefits of LC eating when suffering from autoimmune afflictions convinced me long before I realized that this is a way to control my weight as well.

And so why am I not a happy camper? Why am I miserable and thinking enviously about my thin Banting friends? I've recently hit a bit of a bump in the road. I got injured and I've picked up weight for the first time.

Two months ago my GP stated categorically that my thyroid medication dose is too high - after a blood test. I've been on the same dose for many years and after being "forced" earlier this year by Discovery to change from Eltroxin to Euthyrox, I did feel a bit more hyper than I should, probably the new molecule being more efficient than the older Eltroxin one or just the body responding slightly differently. Who knows... I did experience an elevated heart rate and thus conceded to the doctor. So we reduced the dose by 50%, based on my weight and height, I was not in the normal distribution for dosages according to Doc; that is to maintain the thyroid levels within the normal distribution (If you know me at all you should hear Grrrr, and lots of question marks flying around). But, nothing happened. I did not feel suddenly significantly deprived nor did I have the aches and pains I usually get when my dosage is too low, but I noticed something odd on the scale. Scope (weight) creep. At first it was just a small drift and I could deal with it and I attributed it more to nervous eating prior to the Comrades than to the dosage change. However, in the last two weeks, I've finally caught up with myself (after getting injured and having to make sure I adjust my calorie intake now that I cannot run) and I've realized in desperation that what had been "creep" has not become a mountain of fat. I've picked up 3 kg in 2 months, without significantly changing my lifestyle. Most of it in the past 3 weeks. I felt like the magic carpet ride came to an end too abruptly. No, not this again. I am so tired of battling the bulge. Can't I just get on free ride? Sigh. And I picked up my pieces and here I am ... back on track. Tracking my food and re-reading the important principles and just generally reminding myself how to do this right.

I am seriously monitoring my intake (via www.fatsecret.co.za) and balancing my Fat-Carbs-Protein intake carefully. I am also checking my blood ketones (expensive as it is) - this tool I found to be the most useful way to track my progress - getting myself into serious ketosis is the aim. I am also trying to calibrate the breathalyzer "Ketonix" instrument relative to the blood ketones to see if it could be a cheaper way to track ketone levels on a daily basis. Feedback to follow.....

There are a lot of books out there about autoimmune disease and paleo or low-carb diets and I wish I'd known about this stuff 18 years ago when I started having issues. I have no thyroid at all now, thus my issues are on going. In a sense I cannot be "cured" because I have no thyroid to fix. However, I still benefit from the health improvements associated with eating like this. I've felt it and seen too much benefit and do not wish to change my lifestyle. I don't find it hard to stick to this way of eating and it has truly become a lifestyle, with very little feeling of "deprivation". Unlike all other eating plans I've tried.

After all of that, it's hard to suddenly feel fat again. I've consciously aimed my focus on tracking my diet, my weight, my ketosis et al, to keep myself positive. The weight issue together with the uncertainty re my dose is disconcerting, and I cannot run yet with an injury lingering. I am not in a good head space at all and I know it's related to the lack of exercise, but I am pushing through this, just like I do when I race a marathon. Focusing on each milestone, step-by-step. 

Focus, measure, commit, patience.

Why me?

Since Sunday I've been miserable, depressed, angry, ungracious, teary and generally pathetic. Even though I know I am being ungracious and pathetic about this, I don't know how to deal with this without feeling like a toddler. My life fell to pieces when on a normal Sunday morning, during a normal 10k race, I injured my ankle tendons so badly that I had to bail from a race. Never did that before. I could hardly walk though and was worried if I continued to limp the 5 km to the finish, I might do more harm. My emotional response to this event though shocked me to the core. I am devastated. My wholeness as a human being is so intermingled with my ability to run. More than I even expected. I got dropped at the finish and limped to towards the finish line, hoping to see Carl, and luckily he had just arrived, after running a super race. I limped to him and started crying. Like the world was ending. I still have not actually cried myself out. I feel like I've been holding my breath for the past four days. I am not being gracious about it. I am angry. I am grieving. I am a terrible person. I went for a scan on Monday, nothing torn in the tendon but signs of achilles tendinosis and tenosynovitis of the tibialis posterior tendon. Sigh. I cannot step down, or push off basically. Icing and rest...until it's better. Immediately I feel fat, unbalanced and emotionally vulnerable.

 I do feel pretty bad about my response. Carl was so gracious when he got injured at a critical time during our Comrades training. I on the otherhand (Darryl) seem to have no capacity to deal with this in anyway other than grieving for a loss. I am most definitely not resigned to my fate, but I feel very lost. So I've been focusing on finding out about treating this, preventing it and going forward. I am still hopeful that it is only a two week outage, with gentle running to start of with, but I have no real idea. It really hurts when I step down. Which is a bit of bummer when you try to run. I have tried not to test my foot so far, but I will walk on Saturday to see how it feels.
So I am really trying to look for a way through it - MJF - I am really trying to get to acceptance.

RICE (rest-ice-compression-elevation) is the only advice the doctor gave me. I really wish there was more to it, but I think he is correct. So I am alright, not really, but I am trying to be alright. Looking back at my emotional response, I am working through the "why me syndrome" I picked up at the same time I got this injury and hopefully I can come out of this a better person. I've had to look in the mirror a bit and did not like all I saw. I am very determined and positive by nature, and generally find that with hard work I can achieve and thus have been an achiever my whole life (at work - not so much at personal things). My running helps me to cope with a lot of stress at work and it's become a bit of a safety net. So I think that was the major blow for me. I look forward to running because it heals me from work, it balances my imbalances. It's the best part of my day. SO I've learnt that:

• I run for life and running is my happy place
• I deal with work stuff when I run and it balances my mind
• I need to work on my grown-up-ness
• I need to work on my acceptance in defeat and be gracious when things go wrong

Foodie weather

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing" - Benjamin Franklin 

Today is really winter. Some super sized cold-front hit the Cape this week and we finally got the hit today. This morning, despite getting up and dressing for running, we opted to bunk. Not so much due to the cold, although it did contribute, but I suddenly realised that it is the last Saturday that we can skip track or running without feeling guilty. From the 1st of July, training will be back in full, committed mode. Not that we did nothing this week, but it was quite pleasant to just go shopping and sort out a few things around the house. All that extra time this morning inspired me to spend some quality time in the kitchen. I thought perhaps, I can do something today that is worth writing about.

Mission: Banting friendly chocolate
Due to the issues I have with many products on the market that claims to be "low carb" or "banting" friendly. Very seldom does one find a product that is truly "real" food only and one can see from the list of ingredients that many product labels are quite misleading if you don't know your stuff. I've really been thinking hard about making chocolate and have held off because I thought it might be hard to get the chocolate "real" and tasty. However, today's weather inspired me to try.

My first attempt this morning was a massive success among my testers. Three of us tested the results and whilst Carl and I eat low-carb all the time, his daughter is a "normal". She however agreed that the chocolates were delightful.

Recipe/Method
Isabel's Banting Chocolates

100 g cocoa butter (or 50g cocoa butter + 50 g coconut oil)
5-6 tablespoons of good quality cocoa powder
3-4 tablespoons of erythritol
1/2 cup desiccated coconut
3 tablespoons of grated pecan nuts (optional, but nice)

Melt the cocoa butter in double boiler (or like me in a metal bowl over boiling water in a pot).
Once molten add the sweetener and stir a bit, then add the rest of the ingredients.
It thickens up a bit but keep it over the hot water until nicely mixed.
I used silicone moulds for my chocolates, but you could just pour it into a sheet out and let it set in the freezer. If you use the sheet principle try keep it about 3-5 mm thickness. It makes a nice rustic type of chocolate if broken. I just stuck in the freezer and then pop them out of the silicone moulds. Happy chomping.

If you used coconut oil, the melting temperature is lower than that of cocoa butter so be careful about leaving it outside the fridge. The 50:50 blend is still ok, but will melt when you hold it in your eager paw for too long. Cocoa butter and coconut oil are both healthy fats, although cocoa butter has the higher melting point, so the two together is a very nice "fat bomb" for runners. Both oils make good chocolate and I plan to keep experimenting with this, but I am pretty happy with the first batches. The desiccated coconut not only adds to the taste but also stretches the pretty expensive cocoa butter a bit. I also added a few drops of peppermint essence to the second batch and it's truly amazing how much it reminds me of peppermint crisp. The crunchiness of the coconut, chocolate and erythritol is magical.

Banting burgers for lunch! That was the next mission for today. 


Making our food from scratch is fun and I always feel like I am getting in touch with  my inner foodie and child when I attempt new things in the kitchen. Low-carbing also gives me a kick, there is some engineering in this way of cooking, but also a lot of creativity. It really focused my mind on cooking real food with fresh ingredients. Today for lunch we had our first burger in more than a year. I took the LC burger to the next level though. I made the patties from scratch (mince 500 g fresh mince, chopped onion, 4 eggs and 2 tablespoons of coconut flour). They tasted great and looked so good. I also made some Banting bread buns and we had the most lovely, luxury burger ever!




My final foodie act for the day was to roast some baby tomatoes in preparation for tomato soup for dinner. While baking the buns for the burgers, I also roasted the tomatoes until properly caramelized and squishy.


Creamy tomato soup recipe

1 can of chopped tomatoes or 2 large fresh ones chopped into chunks
250 g of baby tomatoes (roasted if you can)
1/2 a medium onion, chopped and cooked in butter until translucent
500 to 700 ml homemade broth (chicken broth is my preference)
250 ml cream
Salt, pepper (cayenne is best if you don't mind the bite)

The tomatoes, onion and broth mixture should cook nicely for at least 30 minutes. Add the cream and use a blitz stick to make it into the dreamy, creaminess. The roasted baby tomatoes add a delicious flavour. Sprinkle a bit of feta when serving for extra decadence.Creamy, dreamy tomato soup for dinner! I highly recommend this for a feel good meal. I make the broth from the chicken carcasses from Friday night dinner and store it in the fridge for soup. Packed with healthy minerals.




And thus I hope after all of that, that my "do" today was worth "writing".

Note to self

For this year's Youth Day I decided to just breathe. It's something I don't do often enough. It's always such a mad rush and sometimes self-inflicted. The day started with a beautiful run with the Boskruin Group. We just kind of slotted in and had one of those really enjoyable runs. Saw the sun come up. Chilly morning, but not icy. Just lovely. Reminded me what I like about running. Body is just ticking over and one is out with good people, no stress, just enjoying life. Two weeks ago we ran Comrades and now we have to move on, find new goals, enjoy our running. If feels less like work again, more like a passion. Last year we came back so broken, I just gave up until September. So far this year's wind-down after Comrades has been really nice. A week of total rest, then we had 3 gentle runs during week 2, and today we did 15km, basically the start of week 3. The legs feel okay and the best thing is the joy, the joy is back! I am so blessed.

Just breathe...

So I am sitting in front of the heater with the two puppies (I know, people look at us funny when we call them monsters puppies, but if you raised a puppy (even a big dog), they stay babies in your mind). The puppies are perfecting their afternoon nap techniques, whilst I am playing my entire iTunes music collection via my Bluetooth connection from my iPhone (don't you just love technology). I love listening to good music, drinking Nespresso and relaxing, doing things on my computer I never get time to do normally. No where to go. Nobody in my office. An entire day to my own devices. And the public holiday sort of crept up on me this year so I made no plans apart from this morning's run. Nothing to do but breathe.

Note to self: I should do this more often.