Pep talk

My blog is my way of seeing my feelings. When I try to tell people, explain somehow I trip up to find the right words. I like writing so it could just be that. I like finding a nice way to tell a simple story or express a simple thought. There is a small hope of course that someday it will be read, and maybe even inspire or help. Overall though it is mostly a self focused activity. Writing down the feelings of the day or the moment. Contemplating my surroundings. Thinking about stuff "out loud". And sometimes the act of writing down how I feel, inspires me. Taking stock refreshes my perspective. So today I write, because I need a pep talk. I feel empty. Uninspired. A little worn down and tired. I have a pile of work to do, and yet I am totally unproductive - something I am not known for. I am a hard worker. Any boss would be happy to have me. I go the extra mile and have high standards for myself and my work. Yet, here I am unfocused, restless, uninspired.  Staring at my screen - blankly. Maybe I have Friday fever, maybe I am just getting older and life's stresses do not roll of my back as easily anymore. Does it eventually happen to us all? Did I just become less adaptable as the years passed by? I worry that this is more than just "a bad day". I worry about permanently feeling worried. I worry about everything. I think I have always been a bit of a worry wort. Being the eldest child I have always had a weird sense of responsibility. But I think getting older is the issue at hand; and I cannot detach myself from the worrying like I used to. As a result, even the little things are getting to me. So I fumble and end up feeling worse about my moodiness and general grumpiness.  I end up worrying about worrying.

And now that I have admitted this? Back to the drawing board. I don't think all of this is just a simple straight shooter of "I am getting old". The cocktail I am sipping is a complex mix of real trouble and a dash of melancholy for simpler times. My physical, emotional and mental capacity are stretched thin and this won't change overnight. My plan is simple. Admit I had the cocktail and sober up. Keep up the fitness, lose the weight (4.4 kg down already) and re-focus on short term goals. Big stuff like re-thinking my career path will have to be dealt with, but right now there are not many options and it's perhaps not as time sensitive as it feels. I have some time to think. Think, but less worrying. Thinking with less grumpy.

There is no truth

This past week has brought up all the feelings I had when the Lance Armstrong story broke many months ago. I felt let down, betrayed and just plain disappointed. I know it is wrong of society (me included) to make these mere mortals into superstars. Superstars that will inevitably let us down or disappoint us. But we fall in the trap over and over again. Thinking, hey this guy must be wonderful, he fought cancer, or overcame a disability...
Lance's deceit ruined an entire sport for me. An avid Tour de France couch supporter, I shouted support up those mountains and during the Olympics we cried with joy when Oscar was allowed to run. Both men overcame so much to achieve their dreams. Lance and Oscar both seemed to be good causes.
And now we have this mess - tragic and beyond fixing. Even if Oscar's super-legal team can cast enough doubt and get him off, nobody will ever be sure and of course no way will the truth ever be presented. All the spin in the world cannot fix this however. In a way, his money, his contacts, his reputation will always count against him, but this is not the point. It is just sad. A tragedy, forever.
How much did we contribute to this? As society we repeatedly fall in the trap and expect these talented people to be role models, to be perfect, to be kind, to be healthy, balance and honest personalities - just because of their achievements. It is a flawed premise and yet here we are. People are picking sides and making comments and judgements. A girl is dead. No matter what follows, there will be some reckoning for this. A girl is dead, a young man's life is ruined, two families will struggle with this for the rest of their lives and we sit on the sidelines commenting and judging. Would this have happened if society hadn't adored these people for being fast and beautiful? Who knows, but I fear this cycle seems to perpetuate. When fame and money is in the mix it seems there is no truth. Don't we still al believe OJ got away with murdering his ex-wife?

Canon-day

My new camera arrived Saturday and...I took a picture with my iPad to capture the moment. Ironic, isn't it?
I've wanted to invest in a good camera for years, and finally decided it is time. So I took a few photos of the puppies and the cats :-) Yes, very exciting! Well I tell myself, I have to start somewhere. The buttons, the options are so amazing. Nerd-girl that I am all of this is of course intrigueing, but I am going to hunt for a photography course, because my camera is so fancy I feel slightly overwhelmed.
In the meantime, a few frivolous pics of the furry-ones will keep me occupied.

The Wooden Spoon

I am not a blessed athlete. I am blessed that I am healthy and capable enough to run, but ability or talent is not overflowing from my running cup. Sometimes during a race or training run, my much faster, taller, male running partner will say something like "I really feel like pushing and hurting a bit" and he speeds off into the distance. And even though I support him fully, it's tough to be the wooden spoon. So. I plod along after him, pushing as fast as I can, whilst quickly running (pardon the pun) into my limits. Panting furiously, burning, sweating and hurting I am the little engine that could not keep up the pace. Sadly. And this is not a chat about speed training or Fartleks or anything related to optimising my speed. Those things we do and talk about peripherally but the reality is that most of us, the weekend warriors, do not optimise, we train to do the job. We train to survive. I am talking about a feeling of inferiority or loss that once you verbalise it is better described as being humbled by your own physical limitations. I realise on some level that running is not really about time, even though we measure everything in time. Running is about attitude. Dealing with ones own failings, the injuries, ageing and lack of talent, is actually how we get better at it. There is of course some rewards as you train more and more but even when I am fit as fiddle there is always somebody that is "in better shape" or younger or faster or...or...or... Remembering that the how well I do, is not the same as doing well takes a bit of introspection, usually overdue :-) Maybe it's ego or competitiveness but it is hard lagging behind. Yesterday afternoon's training run was one of those runs where my partner and I was out of sync. He needed a sprint or a hard run having missed our 8 km training run on Tuesday. So on our way back from a quick 4 km, he sprinted away from me to "feel the burn". I had two choices, I could relax and gently jog back home or I could push equally hard and see how long I can keep it up. Not keeping up, but keep it up. I pushed hard. Competing against the gap between us and my own breath. 

Accepting my own physical limitations and as always running provides. Even though I still got the wooden spoon, I found a way to feel competitive. Perhaps running is all about realising that the spoon is not really there!

Recovery

My first event for 2013! We swam the Roode1000 on Sunday 27 January. I almost panicked the first 250m because suddenly I realised, I have not trained properly for 8 weeks and now suddenly I am attempting an open water swim! A year ago, I did not even regard myself as a swimmer. So I breastroke-ed the race and made it in 27min50s. Not being the swimmer in the family is a bit of a challenge but at least I did it and I was not last :-).

Our next event is still to be determined, but is seems we may forego climbing Killy this year and rather go on a 4x4 trip to Botswana this year. A new and exciting dream to plan for. 

And as of this week, I am back at work. After 6 weeks of being away, I can't say I was enthusiastic to return. I do enjoy my area of work, but like most people once you get involved in the management of a group of people and a business unit, a lot of the joy is lost. I am starting the year off by trying to write a few papers and thinking about stuff. Strategise.

We are planning our training programme for the marathon and will start next week actively managing the running. In addition, swimming will steadily continue and we started a weekly Pilates class. For balance and core strength. So far we love it and I sleep very well Monday nights. And although the dieting is a slow and painful process, we are chipping away at the fat. After 3 weeks of diligence I have lost 1200 grams. Just need to keep up the good work. Focus. Strategise. In the meantime, I hope our next adventure is just around the corner.
  

Inspiration, resolutions and peace

I am inspired.

Newly inspired to continue with my journey and blog about it too. Last year with all it's wonderful highlights was sometimes brute force tough. The year 2012 was a bit of "good cop-bad cop". I have however been re-inspired, by a moment in the park, by my family (these include friends, actual family, furry loved ones and my partner) and by my resolutions. Somehow we stuck together, even though the strangeness of 2012 hit us all quite hard. We started off last year with a serious bang, so I wonder if the universe was balancing us.  I for one feel more at peace and more appreciative of simple things. The Midmar mile and then the Great Wall Marathon were two of my year's highlights, but somehow things went a bit off the beaten track after that. Another highlight, although this one should come with a HEALTH warning, we got a second puppy. Also a long coat German Shepard...but oh boy did we not see her coming at ALL. We practically should have taken out insurance, she is a one puppy tornado. And we love her to death. Jonty is still the most wonderfully gently, kindhearted sole you will ever meet in fur, but he was lonely. Now, poor thing, it never ever stops ;-) So comment around Jonty often goes like this: "We didn't appreciate you enough when you were a puppy. Good Boy".

And with 2013 starting a bit slower than usual for me (recovery from an op in Dec), I am happy to just be here, typing away at the keyboard, hoping this year will bring lots of inspiration; and believing it actually for the first time in a while. We also have, as a family, allocated a theme for 2013 "The year of the body". I am still pondering the theme song, but the general idea is that "Sweat will be fat crying" and the scale will be our friend - at least an accomplice... to be friends after being enemies for soooo long, not every relationship can be fixed all in one year ;-), maybe next year. It is however more than just being fit and healthy. Somehow, we lost faith in our bodies during the second half of 2012. We felt let down, this year we will work together again at being "together" again. 

I have on the provisional agenda the following (some people might refer to these as "resolutions"):
1) Run a marathon (thus far we are aiming for Wally Hayward 2013) - and this would be my first local marathon)
2) Swim the Ebenezer mile 16 March 2013
3) Get fit (obviously)
4) Lose the weight
5) Appreciate
6) Climb Killy
7) Learn something new
8) Blog more :-)

Dedicated to my new blogging buddy, Max Mom. Thanks for simple gifts.
Max Mom's blog about our meeting in the park. 

PS: On Saturday morning we took the pups for a walk at a local park. Inside family joke: A pack of huskies also frequent our park and the owner gathers them by calling "Huskies"; which seems super cool when 10-15 huskies come running. Well we are trying out "Shepards" with less spectacular effect, but having a lot of fun with it. Anyway, on Saturday we met Max Mom in the park and had a lovely and inspirational visit. Nothing like the freedom and absolute happiness of puppies running around the park to cheer one up. It has become one of my favourite things on a weekend. Park Time.

Proudly South African?

We were talking about not reading the news for a while. Just because being informed may not be good for the soul. I listen to 702, read the news, follow lots of journos on twitter and am usually pretty informed, but lately I think all this information is adding to my stress levels. Compounding what is, granted, a stressful time in my life in general. I don't know if "ignoring" the negative is the right thing to do, or is that just how we are going to survive? I am positive by nature, but hells bells the last few weeks things have really been rough. A large group of my neighbours in my suburb is linked via BBM, thus we have minute by minute community news - usually crime related. I have BBM group messages like "Four robberies in Sixpence street yesterday" or "Suspicious people walking the streets" all the time. I support any community based activities because we need to be communities to beat this, but I found that knowing about what is happening to my neighbours is scary and stressful and worrying beyond what I expected.
I am positive by nature, optimistic and maybe even idealistic. I have often been the odd one out in discussions about this country. I wonder though, if getting older eroded some of this in me or if somehow I missed a trick and "believing" got harder.
The ability to believe?  I want and choose to believe that people cannot be this bad to the core and that things will get better. But recently, I just started worrying. Worrying if the alarm is good enough or if the electric fence is up to scratch or if we should install more gates or maybe we should install cameras? I just don't feel safe, I feel insecure about the future. I don't like this feeling. Are things worse now or are we actually improving things and I am just experiencing a delayed reaction. Reports about corruption: Is that getting worse or are we just reporting more on it because it is newsworthy? How much of my tax money is actually being used to build this country? This country that I love so dearly.
As we sung the anthem on Saturday at Starlight Classics, images of our athletes from the O- and Paralympics were flashed on huge screens and we all commented about what a "feel good moment" it was. How "we needed something like that". After the weeks of Marikana and the miners striking, Julius, Mangaung, Limpopo etcetera etcetera, I wonder if we can somehow bring some pride and some "feel good" back in our lives, be true to our real natures.
 
I have told the story of my Great Wall Marathon run and what it meant to me. And one aspect that really struck home, because it reminds me that South Africans are special, have featured in a business presentation I gave a few months ago. I ran the Marathon in May 2012, one of the greatest adventures of my life. About 2000 athletes/runners/joggers started the various distances (about 1000 did the marathon = 42.2km). And for the rest of my life I will remember the race and how wonderful it was to be there, one of 27 South Africans! Not just another athlete, a South African. I can easily visualise how the athletes felt at the Olympics (as a South African). As I was running I met up with SA runners and we all greeted each other "Hello South Africa" having never met before. Every SA runner wore our flag in some way. From beanies to skirts to shirts to socks. I wore the flag on a specially made running top. What struck me was that more than half of the runners in the race were Americans, and I never spotted a single USA flag. It made me proud to be a South African, and I realised that I am not the only one with a Proudly South African spirit.
Truly, we have gotten something right in this country! Brand SA is in our hearts. Now all we have to do is live it. I am not sure if the negative stuff should be taken in in small doses? Or if we should focus on our own communities only and hope it will make a difference. But maybe it is just living day by day, focussing on the good stuff, like the spirit of our flag-bearing athletes in London. I don't know the answers but I am trying really hard to remind myself of the "good" when the "bad" seems to be everywhere.