Pep talk

My blog is my way of seeing my feelings. When I try to tell people, explain somehow I trip up to find the right words. I like writing so it could just be that. I like finding a nice way to tell a simple story or express a simple thought. There is a small hope of course that someday it will be read, and maybe even inspire or help. Overall though it is mostly a self focused activity. Writing down the feelings of the day or the moment. Contemplating my surroundings. Thinking about stuff "out loud". And sometimes the act of writing down how I feel, inspires me. Taking stock refreshes my perspective. So today I write, because I need a pep talk. I feel empty. Uninspired. A little worn down and tired. I have a pile of work to do, and yet I am totally unproductive - something I am not known for. I am a hard worker. Any boss would be happy to have me. I go the extra mile and have high standards for myself and my work. Yet, here I am unfocused, restless, uninspired.  Staring at my screen - blankly. Maybe I have Friday fever, maybe I am just getting older and life's stresses do not roll of my back as easily anymore. Does it eventually happen to us all? Did I just become less adaptable as the years passed by? I worry that this is more than just "a bad day". I worry about permanently feeling worried. I worry about everything. I think I have always been a bit of a worry wort. Being the eldest child I have always had a weird sense of responsibility. But I think getting older is the issue at hand; and I cannot detach myself from the worrying like I used to. As a result, even the little things are getting to me. So I fumble and end up feeling worse about my moodiness and general grumpiness.  I end up worrying about worrying.

And now that I have admitted this? Back to the drawing board. I don't think all of this is just a simple straight shooter of "I am getting old". The cocktail I am sipping is a complex mix of real trouble and a dash of melancholy for simpler times. My physical, emotional and mental capacity are stretched thin and this won't change overnight. My plan is simple. Admit I had the cocktail and sober up. Keep up the fitness, lose the weight (4.4 kg down already) and re-focus on short term goals. Big stuff like re-thinking my career path will have to be dealt with, but right now there are not many options and it's perhaps not as time sensitive as it feels. I have some time to think. Think, but less worrying. Thinking with less grumpy.